Five Years. 21.12.23 ☹

Where I am.

I can’t believe it has been five years since I last saw Terry’s face and cuddled him and said goodbye.

I really thought we would grow old together, but life can change in a instant.

This will be the last time I write on this blog.

If anyone does read this blog, I hope it helps someone in some way to cope with their grief and to let them know, there is help, out there and the fog does clear.  Keep strong.

When Terry passed, I went into a kind of frenzied state of mind, I joined every grief club I could find, started exercise lessons (Really not a bit of me)

I went on holiday by myself to Terrys favourite place. I had counselling sessions.

I tried to stay strong, and keep most of my grief to myself, the pain can’t be explained, only those who have experienced it, really know.

Debbie my counsellor was so helpful and understanding.

She talked me through my grief, helped me understand what happening  to me and most importantly to be kind to myself, and when I could not face the world,

it is ok to cry, lay in bed all day, and to do what I felt was best for me.

Believe me there have been weeks and days that I did just that.

Debbie taught me that grief comes in waves, and it is true, one day I was fine and then another day it would just hit me, out of the blue, and I will feel that wave in the pit of my stomach and there is just no stopping it, coming to the surface.

I found in time I can make some sense of my grief and try to talk myself through it.

Sometimes though it is still so overwhelming, it physically hurts.

So, although I don’t see Debbie anymore, I do have the tools that help me cope.

I still have a way to go, and I will still have bad days. But the only choice I have is to move on with Terry in my heart, and I know that’s just what he would have wanted me to do.

My children have been truly amazing and patience with me.

Danny – Thank you for looking after me and your sister’s. You are the man of our family now and we couldn’t have a better person, making sure we make the right decisions and help us when needed.

Billie – Our relationship has been up and down, but you have the best heart and we have certainly grown so much closer over the last few years. Out of every bad situation comes something good.

Samm – thank you to my baby, my friend, my pain in the arse.  You have been amazing and helped me so much, even when going through your own grief and problems.  You are a hardworking strong person, never change.

My Grandchildren – who are just there to rock my world.

My sister Trudy – my rock, my best friend, who was there with me all through Terry’s illness and my grief, I hope I have repaid her in her time of need.  Our bond will never be broken.

My family, thank you – every single one of you, our losses have been so many over the last five years.  But we have stuck together and support each other to the max.

Without doubt the worst lost being our Charlie. Kirsti & Nick you have been through so much pain and heart ache. You have been so brave, I feel your grief, I have been there, but to lose a child, there is no comparison.  I love you.

Jane Collins, we have been friends for around 20 years, but it was when Terry was ill, we got so much closer.  You are now my partner in crime, and we do have a lot of fun together: our holidays, days and nights out are unforgettable.

Jane you are without doubt family, your heart is pure, and good people are not easy to find this world.