Today i realised that i am living 2 differnt lives. I have the life when i go to work, or i am with family and friends. Where for a few hours i feel normal and forget what is happening to me. 

The other life is my grief – Today i have woken up with the black cloud above my head, i can only think of Terry. Everything i do i think he should be here with me, he should have been there yesterday with me and my family at the football match, he would have loved that day so much. I ache to talk to him. The tears are flowing today. 

Monday – 8.4.19

I went into work  this morning and my boss asked me how i was and i just started crying, she said “Ok lets leave it there.” (She knew best to leave me when i am like that) Came home had the worst night and did not go to bed until 4am just sat up, looking out the window.

Tuesday – 9.4.19

My daughter called me at 8.30am and i just broke down, i just didn’t want to be here. She was really upset i told her its not that i would harm myself or thinking of suicide or anything. I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. I went to work and one of the girls asked me if i was ok, i just broke down, i was so emotional.

When i left work i had a denist appointment in Southend On Sea. I sat in the denist chair and the denist asked me if Terry was better, i just broke down. The poor women all she could say was  “I am so sorry i am sure it will get easier” I am sure it will (but when?)

I left the denist and sobbed all the way home, which was not good because i was driving.

I got home went to bed and cried myself to sleep.

That night i would not talk to anyone, everyone phoned but i would not answer, i texted everyone to say i am ok, but i knew if i spoke to anyone i would just break down again.

Went to bed quite early and slept (Think with pure exhaustion)

Wednesday – 10.4.19

I woke up felt better (Not 100%) but better then the last couple of days.

I went to work my boss asked if i was ok?, she said that was the worst she had seen me.

After work i had to take Terry’s Ashes to the funeral parlour to have some put in a small scatter box to take to Spain at the end of the month with my family and the Benidorm Gang ( I will write about this at some stage)

I had to leave the ashes there until the next day to be done, it felt really strange not having him in doors with me.

Once again sat up until 4am – this seems to be my new bedtime.

Thursdday 11.4.19

Much better today went a work did not cry today – a big plus for me this week. 

After work I went and picked up Terry ashes seems so strange that he is now split in to two. But part of him was always in Spain. He wanted to move there but I would not go. Thank God I didn’t how would I have coped out there on my own?