People say after the first year you start to feel better, all the first’s are over. (First Christmas, First Birthday and on and on)
This is so untrue for me, I feel worst then ever, yes I can hide it better and not cry all the time in front of people.
But my heartbreak is even worst, I have not been kissed or cuddled for over 15 months. I have no one to talk to when I am at home alone. No one to moan to or tell my problems.
I feel robbed of growing old with Terry and not doing all the things we talked about and planned.
I have family and friends around me but sometimes that makes me feel even sadder. It is harder now to be with other couples then it was at first.
I still think about Terry most of the time, I remember everything about him, our first meeting (I would even tell you what he was wearing)
I remember our first date, so many things.
I have no idea when I will stop getting flash backs or anxiety attacks.
My dreams are so vivid, they can affect my mood for the day. Sometimes I wake up sweating or crying.
But still get up go to work, talk to people, try to act normal. It is so hard.
The future scares me so much.