When the Doctor told me I had PSTD I thought no way that’s what soldier’s get who have been to war. But it turns out anyone who suffers a trauma or loss can also have it.
It’s as only been the last few weeks, that I have relised I really do have it.
Some examples are.
1: When ever I go into Southend On Sea I have a kind of panic attack. This feeling comes from the pit of my stomach and I get this panicky feeling and I cry.
I try to reason it out once I am over the attack. We lived in Southend for 12 years and Terry loved it there, we had a beautiful house and had some great parties and such good times.
Everywhere I go in Southend holds a memory for me. Even my dentist where I went the other day, while I was sitting in the chair I was thinking of how Terry would sit in the waiting room and wait for me to come out. And yes I am ashamed to say I have even cried to the denist.
2: I was driving home the other day and started to cry, thinking of Terry and what he suffered.
Then I was trying to reason it out, how I did the best I could to look after him. How so many people loved and visited him.
How even though he knew he was dying he still only worried about me and would still show an interest in everyone. He was never once selfish.
I am proud to say i have not taken any medication to help me. The doctor as given me pills to help, they are still in my cupboard.
I don’t want to mask my pain and feelings I need to work through it all. I like to think it will be ok again one day.
WILL I EVER BE THE SAME PERSON, I DON’T THINK SO. MAYBE I WILL BE A BETTER PERSON. WHO KNOWS WHAT LIFE HOLDS IN STORE.
