I had counselling today with the wonderful Debbie, it wasn’t to bad, i had my normal cry told her all about going to Spain and scattering  Terry’s Ash’s with family and friends.

We talked about how i know as heart broken as i am i have to move on and try to get some kind of normal life, i told Debbie how i now dream about Terry and hear his voice, even though i know it’s a dream.  To hear his voice – well i can’t even explain what that feels like.

Anyway i went to exercise class tonight came home, went in the garden and planted some plants i had brought today. Spoke to Samm on the phone all was fine.

Then about 10.30 pm i went to the bathroom to clean my teeth and this feeling came over me i don’t know how to explain it, the tears came and i sobbed and sobbed. I felt so lost and alone, all i wanted was Terry back even if just for a while, i need to cuddle him, talk to him, and say goodbye properly to him. I need him to help me move forward to tell me what to do, i am so lost. The tears are falling now as i am typing this, sometimes i don’t even want to be here. I would never do anything to myself it’s just i am so lost at the moment.

I tell myself to go day by day, but it is so hard. I am so scared of the future. i know i have great children and grandchildren, my sister, friends family ect. But to be honest it doesn’t help.

At this moment in time the person who as always been there for me and helped me with everything is the only person i want, and i can’t have him.